


Harry Was Thirteen Years Old When He Fell In Love

by LarrysPencil



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gay, M/M, Smut, X-Factor, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 20:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1911921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarrysPencil/pseuds/LarrysPencil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry was thirteen years old when he fell in love. He watched as a perfect young boy grew into becoming a perfect young man. Everything about him was ideal, except for the fact that he was nothing like Harry thought he was. As Louis and Harry continue to stumble across each other they begin to realize that they don't know each other at all.</p><p>-</p><p>Or, the one where Harry is a true fangirl and Louis is a true shit head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Was Thirteen Years Old When He Fell In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Note- This is so very un beta'd at the moment. I've just been working on this for so long that I couldn't bare to wait for my slow poke sister to beta this. She will eventually, but as of now, here it is.
> 
> Thank you so much for stumbling upon this and deciding to read it. You are a sunshine, really. I love you.
> 
> Title is so very creatively from the first line of the story and the theme is so very hipster-ly from a book called Paper Towns by John Green. 
> 
> This is less of a gooey kind of oneshot and more of a (m)oral kind of oneshot. I would read it.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are, as always, not only appreciated but begged for.

Harry was thirteen years old when he fell in love. 

He was sitting with his sister and mother watching the new season of the X Factor when he knew this was it. He stared as a boy with long bronze hair and a tie walk on the stage with a timid look on his face. “What’s your name, Sweetie?” Nicole asked him softly.

“I’m Louis Tomlinson.” The boys’ voice rang in Harry’s ears. His body sat up and he griped the edge of the couch cushion as the music began to play. He watched hopefully and ignored his family when he saw his sister nudge his mum and point his way. 

As the boy sang the first few chords of The Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah” He knew that this boy was pure perfection. 

Once he was done Harry darted his eyes back and forth between the three judges and bit his lip when Simon paused. A few moments later all the of the judges had given him a yes and Louis had the biggest smile on his face as he thanked the judges so much.

Harry couldn’t hold back his smile and his bright eyes as the show went to a commercial break. He stood up immediately and stalked off to his room once again ignoring his sister’s snort. The curly haired boy sat at his computer hastily and typed “Louis Tomlinson” into YouTube.

He bit his lip and smiled as he clicked on an account with a profile picture with the words “Feel free to comment” in white with a bright red background. He browsed the videos and clicked on a few of his covers. He laughed a little too loudly when the boy belted out “Tonight’s the night” in his rendition of “I Gotta Feeling.” 

He also felt sad that the singer clearly used auto tune in making these covers, because he had a wonderful voice and he surely wouldn’t believe he needed technical editing, right? 

While he was embraced in his endeavors he heard a knock at the door. Harry quickly minimized the internet window and turned to smile at his mother. “Dinner time, Hun.” 

He nodded with a smile before getting up and following her down the stairs. “So. Louis Tomlinson?” Gemma said with a grin on her face as soon as Harry sat down.

“What about him?” Harry said trying as hard as possible to keep the smile from creeping onto his face.

“Did you just go and have a wank over him before you practically orga-”

“Gemma Anne! That is no way to talk during dinner!” Harry’s mum yelled at her before she could finish her antagonizing.

Harry’s face may or may not have been bright red which was really annoying because no, he didn’t have a wank over Louis Tomlinson. “No. I didn’t.”

“Mhmm. Okay.”

“I didn’t! Seriously!” Harry whined back.

“Yeah, so what were you doing then?” Gemma raised her eyebrows.

Harry looked at his plate, “I…” He paused.

“Oohh Louis.” Gemma moaned closing her eyes and moved her hand up and down. “Yeahh.” She tilted her head back.

“Gemma!”

“Jesus, Gemma! That’s so inappropriate!” Anne put her fork down, narrowing her eyes at Gemma.

If Harry wasn’t red before he was definitely something now. “Gemma I seriously didn’t!”

“Whatever you say.” She sing-songed.

Harry crossed his armed, “Seriously. Stop! I was not!”

Gemma raised an eyebrow and smirked at him.

Anne sighed, “Gemma that’s enough.”

“I wasn’t wanking over him I just went on YouTube and watched his covers can’t you just let it be oh my God!” Harry yelled across the table and Gemma.

Her face froze for a minute before her smile inched on her face and she was laughing hysterically. 

Harry pursed his lips and stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork. He looked to his mum who gave him a sympathetic look. He quickly finished his dinner before stomping over to the sink, washing it off then running upstairs to slam his door. Maybe, that night, he would watch every cover three or four more times and add them all to a playlist called “Beautiful.” Maybe.

A month later there were only five contestants left and Louis had never been in the bottom three. His heart ached with pride and he had the biggest desire to see him in a live show. He really, really wanted his mum to take him but she was barely able to support his family anyways and he couldn’t bring himself to ask her.

An hour before the show Harry moped into Gemma’s room and collapsed onto her bed. After all, she had become one of the biggest (only) supporters of his mission to marry Louis Tomlinson. His mother was fully behind any desire of his, but they were technically the only ones who knew about the love of his life. Accept for a few others that, under any normal circumstance, knew Harry more than he knew himself. 

Gemma rolled her eyes, “What is it now.”

“I just want to see him live,” Harry whined, “I want to hear his voice in person and breath the same air as him.”

“Jesus Christ you sound like a teenage girl.” Gemma moaned rolling her eyes. Harry just gave her puppy dog eyes and pursed his lips. “Look. Get a job. Raise money. You and I both know he’s going to win and if not, there’s an X Factor tour. I know you want to see him on the show but that’s a stretch. I’ll pay for my ticket if you can get yours. We’ll see if mum will go but if not, I’ll take you. You just have to work for it.”

Harry nodded and a wide smile spread across his face. That smile probably didn’t leave his face the rest of the night. And it probably grew twice as big when he found an opening online at the bakery around the corner. 

-

“I have enough! I have more than enough! I can buy yours and mine!” Harry was practically jumping up and down in front of the computer his sister was sat at. He had been working at a bakery for a year and a few months, now, earning enough money to buy two tickets to the x factor tour. His mother had immediately agreed with Gemma and his plan that they worked up with this moment in mind exactly. This was what they’ve been working towards and the only thing Harry could keep his mind on since he was thirteen.

Harry’s mum walked over to the computer and looked over Gemma’s shoulder, “You guys did it! I’m so proud of the both of you. It’s just a click away!”

Harry got chills and practically shoved Gemma out of the way to hit the purchase button before he woke up from this miraculous dream. “A click and…” He read the concert date, “2 months!”

They all laughed and smiled and hugged the rest of the night. Harry thanked both his mum and his sister way too many times because even he knew that he earned it. He did it, and he was going to hear Louis Tomlinson live. In person, real life.

Harry went to bed that night listening to all of Louis’ x factor performances and auditions and interviews and anything and everything with his voice in it because that’s all he wanted to hear right then. It’s all he really wanted to hear ever.

Later that week Harry was walking down the hallway at school with a headphone in his left ear. He really, really wished he had one in his right, too, because what happened next was not pleasant. He scooted past a group of chatting girls and slid by a couple engrossed in each other before he reached his locker and began doing the combination that’s been etched in his brain since September. A few guys were standing around each other at the grouping of lockers to the right of his. He heard Louis’ name escape their mouth causing his brain to automatically listen to their words. 

“Did you here he actually came out? Like as gay?” One of the lads said.

One of his friends shook his head, “Ew, what?”

“Seriously?” The smallest of the three boys scrunched his face, “That really sucks because I actually liked him before but that’s kind of gross.”

Harry hadn’t made any conscious decision to walk over to those boys, but he was standing in front of them anyways. They all had brown hair of some sort and only one of them was taller than him. He didn’t recognize any of their faces as someone he’s known but they looked a bit older. 

“What’s gross?” He said like he was just joining a conversation with a group of friends. 

The tallest one shot him a weird look, “Um…”

Another one butted in more enthusiastically, “That Louis Tomlinson is gay. It’s kinda gross, I mean-”

“Gross to love someone.” Harry looked at none of them in particular. Just stared ahead of him, his face blank.

“Wait. Are you a faggot too?” The taller one said loudly.

Harry took a step back “I’m not a faggot. That’s a really-”

The boy stepped towards him, “You’re a faggot. You like sucking cock, and you want Louis’. How close am I? On point?”

Harry shook his head, “I. No! Why are you yelling at me I-”

People were crowding around them and Harry looked around in a panic before shutting his mouth. The older boy looked at him narrowing his eyes, “I don’t want little fucking faggots running around these halls because that’s uncomfortable. You shouldn’t be here and I don’t like you.” 

Harry was shoved into a locker and this wasn’t the way he planned on coming out. 

Surprisingly, his school was pretty excepting of him. He made a few new friends and lost a few bad ones, but other than that, not much changed. It’s not like he expected guys to swoon at his every move even if that’s what he had dreamt about. 

Being the only openly gay guy in school, girls continuously came to him for random things like advice and shopping tips. He didn’t really understand why they couldn’t just talk to other girls. He wasn’t even girly himself; he liked manly things like fifa and football. Well he maybe sucked at football a little or a lot it really doesn’t matter- it is what it is.

-

The next two months were the slowest and fastest two months of his entire life and he’s still trying to figure out how that makes sense. He did nothing other than work, sleep and prepare himself for this moment. 

He was sitting in a seat in the middle of the O2 arena where the top 12 X-Factor contestants would be playing in about 2 hours and 23 minutes and 10 seconds. 9, 8, 7… Whatever. Harry was just really excited and Jesus he really needed to pee. He turned around to face his older sister who was staring blankly ahead of her with a headphone in her ear. “Gemma?” Harry nudged at her shoulder.

“Yes?”

Harry laughed a little, “Umm.. Where is the bathroom? Do you have any remotely close idea?”

She rolled her eyes, “Most likely out one of those doors. Do I have to come?”

“No.” Harry shook his head and got up, sliding past a few knees and making his was towards the doors. He looked around and couldn’t believe the size of the arena. He was so proud of Louis and couldn’t wait until he performed here on his own tour. If he could he would come to every show and every event that Louis ever did, just to see the smile on his face.

He turned the corner and followed the arrows that said, “restroom” until he stopped seeing the arrows and came to a dead end. The hall ended where two doors stood. He shrugged and pushed through them. He barely took a step down the hall when at least four guards jumped out and one even tackled him. He squirmed underneath the man and whined a bit. He just needed a wee! 

“Dave get off of the poor kid.” He heard another guard say from behind him. The man stood up and grabbed his wrist. 

“You’re not supposed to be back here.” He said looking down at Harry.

Harry’s lips turn down, “I um, I really just needed to pee and I thought that...”

Harry never finishes his sentence because right down the hall a head peaks out from being the corner and stares right into Harry’s eyes. His breath hitches and everything turns to nothing and he sees the light and hears the bells and everything else. The boy comes out from behind the corner and walks towards them laughing loudly.

“Paul just let the kid go.” His voice rings through Harry’s ears.

Harry wants to say something to him. He wants to tell him he’s his life and tell him he means the world to him. Nothing comes out. He’s pretty sure his lips are moving but he hears nothing.

“Yeah we were working on it but apparently your existence is currently shutting him down.” A guard says opening the door Harry had come from. “Alright, kid, time to go.”

Harry protests (he thinks? Still hears nothing.) but the guard shoves him out the door and as the door slams shut he hears Louis say something like “Enjoy the show!”

He turns around and walks for a minute before finding another bathroom. He doesn’t even need to pee anymore he just needs to throw up or cry or something. Why did he not just say something? At least give him his twitter name or something. Something something something. Nothing.

He hates himself. He runs into a stall and slams the door before kicking it a few times too many. He pees aggressively and walks out of the stall aggressively and washes his hands aggressively all while grunting aggressively and aggressively hating himself.

He stalks back to his seat and pouts at Gemma. She gawks down at him, “What?” Harry tells her everything that happen and Gemma actual smiles. “Harry you met Louis! Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

Harry rolls his eyes, “I don’t think you understand. I didn’t say a word! He probably thinks I’m some idiot who doesn’t know how to talk. I have so many things to tell him, I have a book of things written down that I want to tell him! But I couldn’t even form one.single.word. Gemma I-”

“Harry shut up and listen to me.” She says with her hands on his shoulders. He calms down and glares up at her. “This entire situation only means one thing.” He gives her a confused look, “It means that your business with him is unfinished and the only way that the world can remain a balanced place is if all business is finished. You still have to meet him and talk to him again. Give him your book, whatever. But until that’s done, you’re going to see him again.”

Harry contemplates her words until he deems them pathetic. “Gemma that’s so fucking stupid and you really expect me to believe that shit like I’m five?”

Gemma rolls her eyes, “You know what? Whatever. Believe me, don’t believe me, I don’t care. But lose that attitude fast and enjoy this night because you and I both worked hard for it and I’m not going to let you ruin it for the both of us. Got it?”

Harry furrows his eyebrows for a moment before his face softens and he nods, plopping down in his seat.

-

Of course the concert was awesome. Of course Louis sounded amazing. Of course he cried the entire time. Of course he definitely didn’t sob to Gemma hysterically for twenty minutes on the way home. 

Actually Gemma had to pull over and let Harry sit on the side of the road while he almost threw up from crying so hard but really that’s besides that point. Harry had the time of his life. He also came to the conclusion that he was here on out working four jobs and officially going to every concert ever put on in a 3 hour radius of himself. He can also confirm that that idea was harshly shut down by his mother the moment he said it.

For a few months after the concert Harry was positive that he was going through a depression because wow he is never going to see the love of his life again ever and that really sucks. As soon as he was sure that he was maybe ok with that fact (of course he wasn’t okay with it), Louis announced his first UK tour. 

The moment that he received the tweet notification he went online and stared at the ticket presales for at least an hour. His first show of the tour is at the O2 in August of next year. It’s possible, right? He’ll be sixteen by then and he could very possibly make enough money to get just one ticket and go by himself. He would sneak there if he had to.

Harry scrolled all the way down the list to the front row tickets and his eyes widened when he read the price. He mumbled something about how he would have to live four times to gain that much money but he figured that ticket retailers probably buy them and mark them down. Even then he should probably stick to at least ten rows back if he wants to have enough money for survival after he buys them. 

Do banks loan out money for concert tickets? He searches Google and notes that no, banks definitely do not consider concert tickets an important enough purchase for a loan. They clearly need to get their priorities straight.

As his eyes begin to sting Harry logs off of twitter and closes his multiple tabs down just to fall onto his bed and pull out his phone (definitely not to get right back on to twitter. That would surely be problematic.) 

He scrolls around, absolutely not retweeting a follow trick tweet. Well, okay, what damage will one time do? He’ll probably lose more followers than he gains from this anyways. Whatever. 

Harry has this semi-issue. He doesn’t really consider it to be an issue but his mum and sister think he needs therapy because of it. Harry thinks they have no right to an opinion on the matter.

Twitter is like his fantasy world. Everyone there is nice and lovely and he can tell them things without judgment. Apparently his so called “addiction” to it is interfering with his grades and social life. Okay, he’s not going to deny that. But it’s really not a problem. So what if he has over 400 drafts made out to Louis because he might get on at any minute and you never want to risk not being prepared. So what if when he got on to spam Louis just to discover all his drafts had disappeared which in turn lead him to the mass destruction of his bedroom and bathroom? That was just a clear sign that he needs anger management. Not therapy. 

Despite anything that his family ever says to him he’ll still prefer twitter’s presence to theirs. He loves them but he loves twitter too. 

As he scrolled through his timeline his door cracked open and a pair of bright blue eyes appeared from behind it. He jumped up from his bed and threw his phone who knows where, “NIALLLLLL” 

The blonde pushed the door open (probably putting a hole in the wall) and jumped into Harry’s arms tackling him to the ground. They giggled and tumbled in a fit of laughter until Harry scrambled to get up. “What the fuck are you doing here!?”

Niall shrugs, “It’s our spring break and I couldn’t think of a better place to be so…!”

Harry smiles and goes in for another hug. Niall was Harry’s best friend. In preschool Niall moved to Cheshire from Ireland and him and Harry immediately clicked. They spent every day together and would stay up all night playing video games most days of the week. It was a pretty drastic change when they were completely cut off from each other and Niall’s family moved back to Mullingar in year seven. It’s been two years since then and this is only the second time he’s seen his best friend since. “Mate, we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Yes we really do. Like, why is Louis Tomlinson all over your walls because last time I checked you were obsessed with Elvis Presley. So first, welcome to the twenty-first century. Second, I have a brilliant idea.” Niall says, lips turning up into a grin. Harry gives him a questioning look. “C’mon, where’s your computer? We’re doing this no matter what you say.”

Harry looks at him like he’s crazy but Niall manages to force him into anything and everything.

-

Okay he loves Niall but really, this is ridiculous. “Niall, I have no idea what I’m supposed to sing! Besides, I have zero experience with this. Shower singing doesn’t count for anything.” Niall actually is expecting Harry to audition for The X-Factor. Like, the both of them. Harry can’t really breath. 

The shorter boy points at the laptop screen, “That’s it! That’s what I’m singing.” Harry leans in to read the song Niall has decided on, “So Sick of Love” by Ne-Yo. He nods in approval and continues to scroll through the list of songs. 

“Okay, none of these are good. I’m just putting my iPod on shuffle and winging it with whatever it gives me.” He mumbles while pulling out his iPod and hitting the shuffle button. The first song that appears is “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder.

“That’s a good one! Just like, sing it with no music and make it a little slower, yeh?” Niall encourages and Harry rolls his eyes.

“You’ve been here for three days and I’m already ready to tie you up and leave you in the closet to starve.” Niall laughs like he actually thought Harry was joking. “So you really think we should do this?” Harry questions.

Niall nods, “One hundred percent. You’re really good and you know that. Besides how cool would it be to sing on the same stage as Louis?” Niall sing-songs at Harry.

The curly-haired boy just shakes his head failing to stop the smile from creeping on his face, “Okay. But you have to make it to boot camp and so do I because we aren’t doing this together just to never actually be together during it.”

“Deal, deal, deal. Now do you want to practice singing in front of people? I have an idea.” 

Harry blinks, ‘I hate when you have ideas. It makes the Earth cringe and gives God anxiety.”

-

Niall’s reputation for ideas was completely mischievous and dangerous but he landed himself a point on the sensible side for this one. They were sat on a stair case on the sidewalk off a busy road with one of Harry’s fedoras sitting a few feet in front of them. Niall had a guitar in hand and Harry perched himself up on his toes on the third step. “Why are you sitting like that? You look like an owl.”

“Excuse you, I am comfortable. Twat.”

“Hey, hey, don’t talk like that, you’ll make us lose profit money.” Niall points a finger at him.

Harry rolls his eyes, “Whatever.”

Niall tunes his guitar a bit before he looks back up at Harry, “So, yours first?” Harry nods and Niall strums a few repeating notes before they both begin to sing. Since this is Harry’s audition song, he takes the main vocals and Niall sings more of a back-up.

As the song progresses a few people collect around them but some leave as more come. They keep a constant of about two people. Not too bad. When they sing the final notes of the song a little girl runs up and places a dollar in Harry’s hat then scatters back behind the legs of her mother. A few people clap for them and they nod slightly in thanks. They sing Niall’s audition song next. 

A few more people crowd around as others leave, and they have almost ten people watching them sing. Harry surprisingly never gets nervous and realizes he actually enjoys the attention. He really enjoys the applaud that they get once it’s over and he’s not too upset about the thirteen dollars they made throughout the day either.

They go back to Harry’s house after three hours and slide right through the door into the kitchen for dinner. Niall easily fits in at the Styles home and he almost makes it feel more homely. He really is a missing link to their family when he’s gone. Anne is still convinced that Niall and Gemma are going to get married someday but Harry has built up a thick and sturdy brick wall blocking that possibility because first off, Niall’s his. Secondly, he’s seen Niall in action. It’s scary. 

The rest of the week goes by way too fast. Harry’s mum lets him skip school on Thursday and Friday because Niall is being forced to visit his cousins for the remainder of the vacation. That’s how it was last year when he came back, too. He stayed with the Styles and squeezed in his actual family last minute. Even though Niall would prefer to stay with Harry the whole time, his mother is evil. 

When Niall has to go they hug for about seven hundred minutes before waving each other off and promising to see each other at boot camp. As soon as his front door shuts he felt alone again. Harry really wasn’t a person to have a lot of close friends. Actually, he really only had one, and he just left to travel a million miles away. 

Harry sat on his bed for the rest of the night just thinking about all the great times he and Niall had together throughout their childhood. He breaks into a fit of laughter when he remembers when he and Niall decided to try out for the football team. Obviously, they made fools of themselves. Niall went in goal on the first day and they were doing a drill where everyone had a shot on the goal. Harry kicked it directly at Niall’s balls and he was asked to leave the tryout when he couldn’t stop laughing after a solid twenty minutes and was “causing a distraction amongst the rest of the athletes.” Niall couldn’t talk right for a half an hour and they ended up walking to the park and getting kicked out of there too for continuously trying to order ice cream through the drive through without a car. 

The two of them really had some good times together and they knew each other more than they knew themselves. A few months after Harry came out to his mum she asked if he had a crush on Niall and Harry seriously considered it for a few weeks. He ended up scaring the shit out of both himself and Niall because he wouldn’t talk to him for at least a week. He ended up realizing that he definitely didn’t and he just thought he did because he never really thought of any boy he talked to like that before. Only the ones that he chose to admire from afar. 

When he told Niall that he was gay Niall just hugged him and said that he was proud of him and that he could always talk to him. He was really accepting and he never told a soul. Harry was extra grateful that Niall didn’t treat him any differently, either. He didn’t stop wrestling with him, he didn’t make fun of him and he didn’t rush him into coming out or telling a boy that he liked him. He even continued to point out hot girls to Harry which, whatever.

If there was anything that Harry hated the most about Niall leaving was the fact that he wasn’t there when Harry was outed to the school. As soon as he got home from school that day he called Niall in tears and told him about the nasty words said to him throughout the day. Niall promised to come home and kick all of their asses immediately. He never did, but he didn’t need to because the teasing died down and after that first week, he was pretty much left alone.

He really needed his best friend in his life and it wasn’t fair that his parents dragged him away and separated with no warning at all. That’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to Harry and he wants to walk right up to Niall’s parents and tell them he hates them for it. He really does. As much as he used to love them, they left Harry alone. Harry has nobody to talk to. Even if he calls and face times Niall all the time, it’s not the same. He’s beat the computer on fifa a hundred times and he doesn’t even see the point in buying new versions of it anymore. He just needs his best friend back. 

He stands up and drives his arm into the wall out of rage before he breaks into a fit of sobs and he throws his face into a pillow. His mum rushes through the door and he clenches his fist tighter.

“Jesus, Harry!” She rushes over to him, “What happened? Are you- Did you punch the wall?! Harry!” She scrambles out of the room and comes back with a towel.

Harry snatches it from her and shushes her, “Mum, I’m fine. Just a little pissed.”

She shakes her head, “I see that, and I’m really sorry. But Harry, punching the wall? Really, Babe? That looks really trashy and I won’t have that in my house. You need to come up with the money to fix that as soon as possible, or do it yourself, okay?” Harry nods, rolling his eyes. “Now what’s the matter?”

“I just hate them, Mum. They took my only friend away and I have nobody. I hate everyone in my school and the only person I ever want to talk to is three years older and hot and famous and will never know I exist. I’m pathetic.”

His mother frowns, “No, you’re not. You’re wonderful, Harry. Don’t think anything less than yourself. You’ll make friends, I promise. And you and Niall will be together some day. I’m sure he misses you just as much and plans on attaching you to him the minute you guys graduate.”

Harry nods, “I’m living with him forever. End of story.”

They both laugh and hug and everything is alright.

-

The remainder of the school year goes by moderately fast and Harry does well on his grades and tests and he’s happy. When the day of his audition arrives he wakes up and almost pisses himself. It’s 9am and after a four hour drive he’s not sure if he’s going to throw up or pass out but he has a very powerful feeling coming from the pit of his stomach that grows with every step he takes towards the entrance.

The three Styles’ were stood in a queue outside of the audition area and Harry couldn’t keep still. They inched forward throughout the day and after three hours they finally entered the building into a small room. There were chairs in rows among rows and his family sat down towards the back. This was the last stop before Harry would be called onto stage and he would begin his audition.

He relaxed in his chair and shut his eyes, letting out a deep breath. After he finally calmed himself down a camera man came over to him with a younger girl. “Is it alright if we ask you a few questions?” The blonde asks and Harry nods in response. She smiles politely and reads off a card. “Alright, I’m gonna have you say your name, how old you are and where you’re from. After that just tell me a bit about yourself and why you are here today, okay?” Harry complies and she cues to the camera man, “Go ahead.”

“Hi, I’m Harry Styles. I’m sixteen and I’m from Homes Chapel in Cheshire. Um, I came to auditions because I really enjoy singing and performing and my best friend, Niall, from Ireland, he’s auditioning also and we’re hoping to make it far in the competition together.”

The girl nods and smiles, “Okay just one more question here… You say you plan on making it far with your friend, what if one of you don’t make it?”

Harry looks down, “Uh.. I think that if I don’t make it, I’ll stay right along with him and encourage him along the way. If he doesn’t make it then I’m going to be lost and confused an alone. And I really don’t want that anymore.”

The camera man and the interviewer smile and thank Harry before walking off to interview someone else. Harry’s mum hugs him and Gemma mumbles a “nice job” from her seat as she taps away at her phone. Harry reaches in his pocket for his own phone and texts Niall telling him it’s almost time. He relaxes himself the best he can and once he finally has himself calm again, his name is called. He stands up and walks to the front of the room with his mum and sister in tail. A man hands him a mic and directs him up a mini staircase and points to the stage. His stomach sinks and he slowly makes his way onto the stage. He sees the judges making conversation and he stands there waiting for one of them to speak up. 

Simon lifts his head, “Hello. What’s your name?”

Harry lifts the microphone to his mouth, “I’m Harry Styles.” He smiles when the crowd coos and claps at him.

“And what do you do?” Simon questions.

“I work in a bakery.” His smile grows when the crowd does the same as before and hey this isn’t all too bad.

Simon tells him he can start and he takes a deep breath. He starts singing and as soon as he does it all just flows out of him. He finishes with an applauding crowd and a smiling Simon. That in itself is probably his biggest accomplishment.

The first judge, Louis, tells him that he was good but still not strong enough for the competition. He says that it’s mostly because of Harry’s age and Harry thinks that’s bullshit. The crowd, who are clearly on his side, boos him. Then, surprisingly, Simon speaks up saying, “I don’t think they booed you loud enough.” He smiles so wide and had a million butterflies in his stomach and he can’t believe this is happening. 

He gets through with two yesses and he jumps and runs off stage into a hug with his sister and mum. They both cry and he kisses their cheeks before they all head out and drive home. Everything is great and they’re all so happy and nothing is bad. He calls Niall and almost starts crying when he tells Niall, who does start crying and they talk for most of the ride home.

A few weeks later Harry gets a call and he falls to the floor and drops his phone when Niall tells him he didn’t make it and he cries until he mentally smacks himself because his friend is probably more upset than he is. He picks up his phone to tell Niall he’s sorry but the line is dead and he realizes he just cried on the floor for fifteen minutes. He rings Niall back who answers the phone with laughter. Harry sniffs, “What? Why are you laughing?”

Niall doesn’t stop laughing for another five minutes until he says, “You dipshit, I made it I was kidding with you!” 

Harry freaks out and smiles and laughs then gets extremely mad at Niall because Harry has a headache from crying and tells Niall that he almost killed Harry from dehydration because of all those tears. “Shut up.” Niall tells him and they laugh about it.

Not long after that Harry gets a call telling him that Simon will be mentoring the under 25 boys and that he will be performing at his house on July 16th. Later, he finds out that Niall doesn’t perform at Simon’s house until the 19th so they still won’t be seeing each other.

For Simon’s house Harry prepares the song “Torn.” He practices every day and makes sure he has it completely perfect before the day of his performance. Once that day arrives, his mum drives him into London to Simon’s house. He has a sick bachelor pad and Harry is lead to the backyard where the judge is sat in a lawn chair with some paperwork in his hands. “Hello, Harry, yes?”

Harry nods and grips the microphone tightly in his hands. Simon tells him to begin and he once again lets the music take him where it wants. He taps his foot to the beat and holds his stomach with his hand and puts everything he has into it. When he’s finished Simon stares down at his paper for a moment before he looks up and smiles. “You were at the top of my list, Styles.” Simon pauses, “And that’s where you’ll remain. I’ll see you at boot camp.” 

Harry smiles and thanks him and doesn’t stop smiling until later that night when he’s at home sitting on his bed ready to fall asleep. He quickly prays to God that Niall will make it through and he also thanks him for how far he’s come. He probably did fall asleep with a smile on his face that night.

-

The next few months go by in a complete blur. Boot camp was a lot more difficult than he expected but because Niall was there he had a blast. He danced like an idiot but somehow both him and Niall made it through. Living in the X-Factor house was one of the best experiences he’s ever had. Everyone was so fun and cool and he shared a bunk bed with Niall. They made stupid videos every week and he signed his first (and second and third and fourth) autograph and everything was great. He and Niall made it through the first live shows and they were having the time of their lives. Harry met Cher and Aiden who were really nice and fun. Harry and Niall made it appoint to piss off the house keepers and guards as much as possible and Cher and Aiden helped them with that too. 

After the third live show Harry was scrolling through his twitter and he got a notification that Louis had tweeted. He clicked on the blue strip at the bottom of the screen and read over what Louis tweeted. He almost threw up when he read the words. “@Louis_Tomlinson: X-Factor is great this season ! My faves are for sure the Styles boy and Cher ! Great talent”

Harry was one of his faves. Harry was noticed by Louis. Louis was watching X-Factor. Louis was seeing his face every week. Harry was going to vomit.

He actually did run to the toilet and gag up his dinner and Niall immediately came running in after him, “Mate? You alright?” Harry just handed him his phone as he wiped his moth off. Niall’s eyes widened, “Holy SHIT! Harry! Oh my fuck!” He screamed and attracted the rest of the boys from the room towards them, “Guys! Harry is one of Louis’ favorites on the show!”

Everyone told him nice job and he just stared at his phone for an hour. He needed to make sure this next performance was on point. He and Simon had already decided he would be singing “Run” by Pink. It wasn’t a popular song but it was one of Harry’s favorites. 

He practiced non-stop for the next week and went to Sovan three extra times just to make sure everything was set. He sang it one last time the morning of the show and he decided that it was good to go. 

Twenty minutes before the show began Harry had to run to the bathroom again and threw up everything he had eaten that day. He was sweating and clammy and shaking like crazy. He went to Niall and started crying to him about the entirety of it all. Niall hugged him and calmed him down, “Look, you will do fine. I promise. Maybe Louis won’t even watch!” Harry frowned. “Okay, he will watch. Sorry. You will do just as fine as always, if not better. Okay? You’re awesome.”

Harry nodded, “Thanks, Ni. I just. I.”

“I know. Just breathe.” Niall told him calmly.

An hour later Harry was next up and he was pacing around backstage. As soon as the stage director motioned for him he felt his eyes sting. No. No, no, no. He cannot, he absolutely cannot cry right now. He sighed and stalked forward towards the stage. He made his way center stage and stopped at the mic-stand set for him. He closed his eyes as the music started and the spotlight shone on him.

He slowly and steadily sang the words to the song he’s known for years.

“Remember may believe in you, all the things I said I’d do.

Wouldn’t hurt you like the world did me; keep you safe and keep you sweat.”

He began to relax and feel the music, pouring his heart into every verse.

“Before you walk away, you know you can run, run, run, back to my arms back to my arms.”

He sang the chorus loudly, tipping his microphone and squeezing his eyes shut as he hit the high notes. When he came down for the chorus singing, “And they will hold you down,” he looked directly into the camera, like Simon told him to do.

He finished the song with a bang and the crow stood up and cheered for him. The judges all gave him good feedback and Louis said he, “just keeps getting better and better every week.”

He ran off the stage with a buzz and hugged Niall wishing him luck. Of course Niall nailed it too and they both spent the night sneaking drinks into their room from the adults and being the stupid people they are.

Everything went well up until week 8. In week 8, Niall was in the bottom three. He had to sit on a stool and nearly gnaw his fingertips off in anticipation for almost an hour. Harry couldn’t even go over to him during commercial breaks, He just had to sit on the bench with Aiden and the others, waiting and worrying. 

At the end of the show it ended up being Cher who got voted off and not Niall. Either way, the pair collapsed crying into each other’s arms after they heard her name get called. They stayed like that until Cher was yanked away to sing her final song on the show. Harry started crying when they showed a video summing up her time on the show. 

Afterwards, Harry hugged Cher for a long time telling her to never give up because he knew she would make it big someday. She thanked him and wished him luck, telling him that he had no choice but to stay in touch with her before she left his arms for Aiden’s. 

Later in the room that night Harry heard Niall crying so he climbed down from his bunk and situated himself next to Niall. “Are you okay?” Niall shakes his head. “Look, UK needs to get their shit together, I’ll tell ya what. Because you and I both know you do not deserve to be in the bottom three and you will never be again.”

Niall nods, “I was so fucking scared.”

“I know,” Harry sighs, “But like I said before, you’re gonna make sure you’re never going to sit in that stool again. Yes?”

“I’m gonna work my arse off. No sleep ‘till it’s perfect. I’m gonna be a pain in the arse to Simon this week.” He laughs. 

Harry smiles, “Good. Love you”

Niall hums before they both fall asleep in the tight bunk bed.

The next week, Niall was voted off.

He didn’t have to sit in agony on the stool because they did it different this week. Since there was only four of them left, the “bottom three” was actually the three finalists. They pulled Harry, Aiden and Rebecca over to the stools and Harry did his best to keep a smile on his face, giving thumbs up to Niall because he was so proud. Niall, however, looked at him worriedly because Harry himself was in the bottom three.

When the host came over to them he looked at the three of them hesitantly as the lights dimmed. He looked at the neatly folded card as per usual, but this time he said, “All three of you are through to the finals.” 

Harry immediately cried, his head falling into his hands before he stood up and ran over to Niall. They embraced each other into a strong hug and cried with a few whispers telling each other it was okay. They tried to pull Niall away but the two of them completely ignored any request of the separation of them. 

Finally they gave up and went to a commercial break, when Simon came on the stage and hugged around them before telling them to listen to him. “Boys, Niall. This is not the end for you. Look at me,” He said when Niall still wouldn’t let go of Harry. As soon as he did Simon continued, “C’mere. Look at the crowd right now.” Simon said, pointing to the front few rows.

Harry smiled when there were at least fifty girls crying and a few hugging each other. One of them looked up and yelled, “I love you Niall,” in an assuring tone.

“See? You obviously have fans. You’re gonna go far, kid. Just don’t give up.” He said before returning to his seat at the judges table.

Niall looked at Harry and wiped a few of his tears away. “He’s right,” Harry assured. Niall nodded before the host came back and directed him towards the middle of the stage.

“Alright we are back, while Niall gets ready to sing, why don’t we look back at his journey on the show.”

Harry sat down and looked up at the screen while a slightly younger version of his best friend walked across the audition stage and a thick Irish accent filled his ears, “I’m Niall Horan.”

They soon went into a few extra-factor videos and Harry slowly started tearing up as it showed clips of his and Niall’s games of quick fire and stupid detective videos appeared on the screen. His singing filled in the space between those and Harry started thinking about the fact that Niall would be going home tomorrow and their time in the house was officially over. That was it for him, because within seconds his face was doused in tears.

When the video ended the crowd erupted and Harry had no idea how Niall got voted off because he was clearly loved. 

The lights focused on center stage as Niall made his way across it slowly. He looked over to Harry who nodded and gave him a soft smile. As the music started Harry was very close to walking out of the auditorium to drown in a puddle of his tears because Niall was singing “Torn.”

That was the song Harry sang at judges houses. He initially picked that song because when they were younger, right before Niall moved back they took a piece of printer paper and wrote “Nothing’s fine I’m torn” on it and ripped it right between the words “fine” and “I’m.” Harry still has his half today, the piece that says, “Nothing’s fine,” because nothing was fine when his best friend moved away. It was such a stupid little thing to do, but it actually did end up meaning a lot to the both of them.

Niall sang the song beautifully and when it was over him and Aiden encased him in a giant hug.

-

“So, Harry. Finals are in two weeks, and you have a decision to make.” Simon told him while they were sat in the rehearsal room. Harry smiled wide because this was it, the next time he performs on that stage he’ll be with his inspiration, his light and his life. “Who would you like to sing with you on the finals?”

Harry couldn’t have sounded more pathetic because Simon barely finished his words before he blurted, “Louis Tomlinson!”

Simon raised his eyebrows, “Really?” He nodded a little, “Alright. Are you sure?”

Harry nodded eagerly, “One hundred percent.”

“Good, I’ll call him and set that up.” Simon promised and Harry thanked him before running back to his room and calling Gemma.

“Gemma, Gemma, Gemma this is it it’s in two weeks I’m gonna meet him in two weeks, I’m gonna sing on stage with him, he’s gonna be right next to me, I’m gonna touch him, Gemma I can’t believe it.” He yelled at her in one breath.

Gemma laughed, “Yes, I know! I’m so proud of you and so is mum! You must be- well you clearly are- so excited!”

Harry agreed, “I can’t fucking wait, Gem.”

The next day Harry had to pick which of Louis’ songs he would be singing with him and he chose “Through the Dark” because it was one of his favorite, more challenging ones.

He practiced non-stop and continued practicing and trying to make improvements even after both Simon and Sovan told him he had it perfect, and needed to rest his voice. He didn’t care, this had to be perfect. This was his only chance to impress the love of his life. 

The night before the show he vomited up all of that day’s food just like he did when he first started the show. Louis really makes him nervous. He didn’t fall asleep until three in the morning and had to wake up only four hours later. He wasn’t tired and it wasn’t hard for him to wake up, either, because he was meeting Louis today. He woke up and threw a pillow at Aiden, “I’M MEETING LOUIS TODAY!”

Aiden groaned, “Shut up about your stupid love of your life. I’m tired.”

Harry rolled his eyes, “You have to get up anyway. It’s finals today. Aren’t you excited to see everyone? And to meet Robbie Williams?”

“Thrilled.”

“Whatever. I’m leaving you. You’re annoying and grumpy.” Harry said leaving the room.

Aiden mumbled back a sarcastic, “Oh how I’ll miss you.”

Harry really doesn’t know why he’s friends with Aiden. He runs down the stairs and gets some breakfast. The last couple weeks at the house have been extremely boring because there was no Niall and there really was nobody at all. Rebecca was cool but she kinda kept to herself and him and Aiden had fun but it was just the two of them.

Before, in the middle of the season, he’d be woken up by Cher who (breaking the rules again) would run through the guy’s hall screaming something along the lines of, “Wake your lazy asses up I’m hungry and there’s only like two people who can actually cook, and they’re both sleeping like little shits!”

She stopped getting yelled at after around her fifth time doing it. Considering he was one half of the “two people who can actually cook” once in a while he’d wake up a bit early and cook a giant breakfast for everyone. In return, he’d probably get shoved into the lake by Paige and Matt as they yelled something like, “thanks, pussy” and later he’d laugh it off with them.

He really missed everyone a lot. It was bitter sweet being a finalist. Obviously, a lot more sweet than bitter, but still bitter.

He was sat at the table slowly eating cinnamon crunch when Aiden walked down the stairs and sat next to him, “Hey. Good luck tonight, yeh? Whatever happens, you’re still a mate.”

Harry nodded, “Yeah, of course. I don’t really wanna go home.”

“Maybe you won’t.” Aiden shrugged, “You have an extremely high chance of leaving tonight with a record label, so you might be staying in London.”

“Or you.” Harry reminded, “Or Rebecca.” As if on cue she walked into the kitchen in a night gown, yawning. “I just really, I wanna stay home. Like. This is home.”

Rebecca nodded, “I’m gonna miss it here a lot.”

“Me too, but it felt less and less like home with every person that left.” Aiden added. Both Harry and Rebecca nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, it really has. I just want this entire experience to start all over again.” He said, getting up to put his bowl in the sink.

“Yeah, I could really go for another one of your delicious breakfasts.” Rebecca agreed.

Aiden nodded, “Or another group bonfire.” 

“Or just squeezing everyone into the living room to watch a stupid chick flick all snuggled up on the floor.” Harry said, looking over at Rebecca who had a tear in her eye.

She laughed a little, it breaking before she began to talk, “Shit, I’m really gonna miss all of this.”

“Yeah. It sucks. But at least we got to have it in the first place.” Aiden shrugged.

“Hey, I love you guys. Sing your hearts out tonight.” Harry smiled at the two of them.

-

Okay so Louis was supposed to be here an hour ago, he said he would be here, he told Simon he would be here, why isn’t he here? Harry was freaking out, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, why couldn’t he breathe? He’s just running a little late, he told himself, that’s got to be it. He saw Simon walk over to him out of the corner of his eye. “Harry?” Harry turned around with hope in his eyes, “I really don’t know where he is. He’s not answering any of my calls, this is really not like him.”

Harry shook his head, “Maybe he’s almost here and, and his phone died or something.”

“Harry.” Simon looked at hi the way he does, “I know your hopes were already sky-rocketing, but-”

“No, no no no no don’t say but,” Harry cut him off, “Please, please don’t say but.” His head fell and tears threatened to escape his eyes. Why has he been crying so much lately?

“Harry, I’m really sorry…”

Harry shook his head frantically whispering no under his breath. Simon came forwards and actually full-on hugged him, which was a rare thing for Simon to do. He hugged him until Harry calmed down at least a little. “Thank you.” Harry said quietly, his head still down. He’s never felt so small.

“Listen, how would you like someone even better to sing with on stage? ‘Cause I know of a little Irish lad who is running around this stage for the first time in a while.” Simon offered.

Harry had totally forgotten about Niall being back! “Serious? Can he sing with me?”

Simon nodded, “Yes, if he’s willing to.”

“Yes!” Harry yelled hugging Simon one more time before running the opposite direction in search of Niall. He ended up running smack dab into Niall, bouncing off of him, then hugging him. “Niall! Niall, Simon said th- that you could sing with me.”

Niall pulled away, “What? What are you talking about?”

Harry took a deep breath, “Well obviously I was supposed to sing Through the Dark with Louis tonight but he isn’t answering the phone and he didn’t show up and there’s only an hour until the show and you’re here and Simon said you could sing it with me.”

Niall shook his head, “Woah, woah, woah, slow down. Louis didn’t show?” Harry frowned, shaking his head. “Jesus, Harry. I’m sorry.”

Harry bit his lip, “Yes I know I just had an extreme breakdown but… Would you be willing to sing with me?”

Niall nodded, “Of course. Will you just- I don’t know, run through it with me once?”

“Yes!” he said dragging him to the rehearsal room.

Later on the show, the top twelve reunited to sing “My Life Would Suck Without You” and Harry really enjoyed himself. He loved seeing all of his friends again.

When it was his turn to sing, the host explained to the crowd that Louis couldn’t make it and Harry thought that that was utter bullshit because Louis could’ve made it. He just didn’t. When he and Niall sang together they had a blast, getting an uproar of applaud. Rebecca and Aiden did wonderfully and Harry was very nervous for tomorrow.

Later that night while lying in bed, Harry just started sobbing. He ended up sobbing so violently that he grabbed his pillow and bit it and everything in between. He came dangerously close to punching a hole into the wall but he just ended up getting off his bunk and kicking the side of it anyways. He ripped the poster he had pinned up of Louis next to his bed down, “fuck you, Louis. Fuck you.”

He ripped it to a million pieces and stepped on it and spit on it and threw it away. He fell down on the floor and laid his head back against the bottom of what used to Niall’s bunk. His hands came up to his face and he clawed at his forehead a little bit. He couldn’t breathe and his head hurt from crying and his everything hurt because of Louis. “H-Harry?” 

Harry heard Aiden’s voice but couldn’t process thoughts so he just kept crying and hitting the floor with his fist out of rage and anger and hatred. “Harry? Harry.” 

Harry picked his head up, “Niall?”

Aiden was kneeling in front of him with Niall on face time, “Harry, mate. Calm down. Are you okay?”

“No. No I’m not fucking okay at all. He fucking broke my heart. And I don’t even know him. Apparently I never even knew him.” He said, his voice cracking, “Because I thought- I thought he was an angel. I wonderful person, helping people and doing charity football games and- and it’s all a lie. He’s a joke. I can’t believe I was just another stupid kid, brainwashed by the media.”

Niall looked at him, dumbfounded, “I know, mate, I’m really, really sorry. Listen, I’ll come to wherever you land this week and we can rip up everything you have of him and tweet shit about him all night, yeah?” Harry nodded. “Can you just, go to sleep? It’s really late and I think Aiden’s a bit tired.” Aiden shrugged, nodding. All Aiden ever does is fucking shrug. 

“Night.” Harry said annoyed before climbing to the top of his bunk.

He listened as Aiden continued to talk to Niall, “Thanks, man. Someone that capable of breaking Harry like that should really know. He should really know how bad he hurt him.”

“I know,” he heard Niall agree, “I want to rip the asshole to shreds. He deserves to feel like Harry does right now. Anybody who holds that much power over Harry’s life should never hurt him. It’s just so hard because Harry’s barely even met him. I feel so bad for him.”

“Yeah, well I’m going to get some rest. Thanks again, I was really worried.” Aiden said before the room went silent. Harry takes a mental note that Aiden really cares for him and he should keep him for a while.

-

Rebecca wins. Everyone hugs her and cries with her and it’s emotional and lovely and he’s very proud of her. He is really disappointed that it wasn’t him, but proud none the less. He packs everything up and drags his suitcase out the door, hugging every staff member he sees and leaving Aiden last. The show gave him a plane ticket home, so he dragged his feet along the white floors of the airport looking for his gate. The plane ride home was fast and painless.

When he made his way off the plane he was engulfed in a bone-crushing hug from his sister, followed by a gentle one from his mother. They both said they were proud of him even though they had said that already on the phone every single night.

That night he has his first home cooked meal in what feels like forever and he really would be happy if he had gotten the chance to meet Louis like he was supposed to. But he doesn’t want to meet Louis anymore, no. He wanted to meet the Louis he thought was Louis. Not this stuck up “too good for anyone” Louis that he apparently turned into.

After dinner he went to his room and collapsed onto his bed. He looked around at his Louis-covered walls and sighed dramatically. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life now.” He said at his cut-out. “Sure as hell isn’t going to be consumed by you anymore.” He said slowly getting up.

He ripped his cut-out out of its corner and held it still with his left hand. He bashed his right foot into it over and over and over again, throwing it on the ground and bending it in half. Grunting, he literally ripped the thing’s head off and threw it across the room. He had no tears left to cry so he just laid back on his bed and eventually fell asleep.

Throughout the next few months, Harry took his posters down, one by one. He subconsciously took them down opposite the order he put them up. First, went his perfume poster, then a small little clipping from a recent magazine. Day by day, the number of his posters slowly decreased. He didn’t like the way his roomed looked without Louis’ face decorating the walls, but he was losing faith in Louis and that, to him, was one of the saddest things he’s ever gone through. Eventually, there was only one poster left, right in the middle of his window and the back corner of his room. It was small, old, and the color was faded from it. It was from x-factor, when Louis was first ever printed in a magazine. He had a bowl cut and the poster wasn’t even made to be a poster, it had writing about Louis on the bottom and sides. The ripping job was terrible and the tape was excessive, surrounding every edge. 

On February 25th, 2011, Harry Styles took down his last poster of Louis Tomlinson. Of course he cried. That poster had been there for four years. For four years Harry was in love with Louis Tomlinson and he wanted with all his heart to make it go away. 

He peeled the tape of the wall, slowly detaching his final poster from his room. He turned the thin paper around and laughed brokenly at Louis’ name on the back surrounded by many hearts. He ran his thumb over the writing. This was his life. For four years, his thoughts were consumed by this boy. For four years, nobody understood why Louis was the only thing he ever seems truly happy about. For four years, Harry considered Louis to be the best thing that had ever happened to him.

It was all over. But it really wasn’t. Harry hadn’t yet deleted his twitter. His tumblr was still logged in. His head was still filled with thoughts of Louis. He still got butterflies at the sound of his voice. His alarm clock still played Louis’ cover of Look After You. His background. His background on his phone was still Louis taking a bow at MSG. He can’t just change that. He wouldn’t know what to make his background. He would have to use marimba as his alarm. He would have a blank mind 24/7. 

The day Harry stops getting butterflies at Louis’ name and voice will be the day that he dies. He knows that it’ll never ever go away. He wants it to; he wants it all to go away. It won’t. 

He folds the poster in half and places it in the top drawer, next to his book. He pulled the book out and sat crisscross on the floor. He opened it, the spine crackling at the first movement it’s had in months. 

12/10/2008  
Hi Louis. I’m sure you’ll never see this, but. Just in case, I had to make sure that you know everything I’ve ever thought of you, so. I’m making this book. It’s been almost 7 months since I loved you, and I know it’s just the beginning. I just want you to know how much you’ve done for me. You make me happy. So, this book is for you. It’s to say thank you. Thank you for being you. It’s to say I love you. I love you more than the sun shines. It’s to say I’m proud of you. I’m more proud of you than a mother bird after the first time her baby flies. Was that a weird reference? It kinda sounds like I called you baby. But whatever, I just want you to know everything. So please don’t get weirded out, please just read this. Please.

Harry reads the first page before flipping to random pages. Entries titled from, “It’s your birthday!” to “You had these cute shoes today…” He laughed at himself for a bit before tucking it back into the top drawer of his dresser. He filled the book from front page to back, the last entry talking about trying out for X-Factor. 

He didn’t understand why someone he’s never met means so much to him. Why did someone so far away steal his heart right away? Why does he feel such a strong pull to Louis that he can’t shake off? It pisses him off really, because it’s all involuntary.

He looked around at his walls and grabbed his keys, he needed some band posters or something.

-

I was six months later and Harry was bored. More than anything, he was pissed. Why did Louis have to ruin it? He loved his life. He enjoyed twitter; he loved staying up late to listen to new songs. He missed looking forward to award shows and interviews. Without any of that, he had nothing to do. He went to school, came home, did homework, worked, and then went to bed. He had no excitement and nothing to look forward to.

That really sucked. It wasn’t fair that Louis had to be an asshole. Why did an asshole have to steal his heart then shit on it? He was beyond annoyed with Louis and as much as he wanted to see his face, he hated looking at it.

“Tomorrow morning be sure to be listening! When we say, remember to text the name, ‘Tomlinson’ to us for your chance to win a date with the one and only Louis Tomlinson!”

Harry’s head shot up from the passenger seat where he was sat as his um drove. Harry, don’t even. He’s an arse, remember? Harry blinked. He didn’t take his eyes off the road, he didn’t take his ears off the radio. 

He didn’t know what he was thinking but the next morning he found himself texting Louis’ last name to 82883 at ungodly hours. Actually it was only 7:30 but it was Saturday, so. The radio host was running on about something he didn’t care about for a few minutes before he ended that talk. “Okay guys, we’re going to call our winner now!” 

Harry rolled his eyes because he really didn’t want to hear a teenage girl scream in his ear right now. He lowered the radio a bit before his phone buzzed. He snatched it from his lap and, no way. He picked it up, “H-hello?”

“Congratulations! Your number was picked and you have won a date with Louis Tomlinson!” Harry drew in a breath. There’s no way this is real life. “Hello? Are you there?” Harry hummed quietly. “Oh, I see, you’re speechless! Well, congratulations! We’ll be texting you the information. Thank you for listening.”

Harry dropped his phone, staring forward. Why the hell did he think that was even a remotely good idea?

-

“Harry? Where you going, dressed so nicely?” Harry’s mum questioned as he made his way down the stairs.

“Uhh… Out.”

His mum frowned, “Dinner’s soon! You aren’t eating with us?”

He shook his head, “No I uh, I have a date.”

She brightened up, “Oh! Okay, sweetheart! Have fun, love you.” She said kissing his cheek.

He thanked her before shuffling out the door. He can’t believe he’s doing this. Does Louis even know it’s a guy that he’s going on a pity date with? He’s probably expecting an annoying squealing girl or something.

He parked his car and made his way towards the restaurant, Char. It was extremely fancy, more expensive than anything he’d ever been to. He brought two hundred dollars with him, taking it out of the money he used to save for concerts. 

He griped the door handle when he paused. He can’t do this. He can barely look at pictures of the boy without feeling explosions of confusing emotions inside of him. There’s no way he can sit through an entire dinner with him. He turns on his heels before jetting to the Starbucks across the street. He walks in and sits at a counter. 

“Hi, can I help you?” A girl bats her eyes at him.

He rolls his eyes, “Yeah, uh, I’ll have a tall coffee with cream and two sugars, please.”

She nods, smiling, “Sure, $4.28.”

He hands her a 100 dollar bill and she widens her eyes. A minute later she hands him his change, “So, I saw you on x-factor. You just got hotter and hotter every night.” She rests her head in her hand and grins.

“I’m gay.” He says a little annoyed. He’s not really in the mood to be communicated with right now.

She makes a face before turning around and walking in the back. She comes out with his coffee and sets it down in front of him. “Sorry, that was rude. I mean, I wasn’t lying, I just. I’m miserable.”

The girl nods, “It’s okay. I get you.”

He sits, drinking his coffee for a while. He looks at his watch, the time reading 8:00. The reservations were for 7:30. He gets up and leaves the coffee shop, walking across the seat. There’s a body guard standing in front of the restaurant now, and Harry walks over to the door. He leans against the building and waits. He really doesn’t know what he’s doing, he just does things.

After about five minutes an angry boy pushes through the set of doors. “-thinks they can just fucking not go. I could be getting wasted but-”

He runs right into Harry. Harry takes a step back and looks at the boy in front of him, slightly shorter than him and much, much more beautiful up close. “How did that feel?” Harry says quietly.

“What?” Louis rolls his eyes, “I’m trying to get to my car.”

“I said how did that fucking feel?” Harry raises his voice a little, “Shitty? Fucked up? I sure as hell know for a fact that it didn’t feel good.”

Louis looks confused and annoyed then surprised all at once, “Har-”

“Because when it happened to me, it felt like the world was collapsing in on itself. I felt like I needed to shoot someone, hurt something. I cried for hours. When it happened to me, I hated myself for it. Because at first, I defended them. ‘Oh he was probably busy, didn’t realize what he was committing himself to’” He says, putting air quotes around his words, “Well I started to realize that he was actually probably at a club, getting wasted, while I sat there waiting for my idol on the fucking X-Factor to come and sing with me. Do you understand how that fucking felt?”

Harry looked down in anger at the boy in front of him. The body guard came over and stepped in front of Harry. “Paul! It’s fine. Just- move.”

Harry continued, “I loved you so much. I’ve never loved anyone more. I-” He reached in the inside pocket of his coat, “I made this fucking book! Filled it from front to back with reasons why you meant the world to me. Nothing was ever more important to me than you were. And you were going to sing with me. I was going to meet you. You said-” He takes a deep breath to prevent a tear from falling; “You said I was your favorite. No. You, you were my favorite. You didn’t even show up.”

Louis took a step forward, “Harry, I-”

“No. I don’t want to hear anything from you. I’m done with this entire thing.” He said throwing his book at Louis’ feet and walking away. 

He slammed his car door shut and hit his steering wheel with his palms. He cried and grunted and through a fit like every other time he was overly pissed at something. He wasn’t even pissed anymore, he was livid. 

He turned the car on and squeaked out of the parking lot, cranking some sort of teen angst music. He clenched his jaw pretty much the entire way home. When he pulled into his driveway he stormed into the house, then to his room, slamming every door he passed through shut behind him. He fell into his bed and pulled the covers over his head.

He doesn’t fully wake up until two days later. The only times he’s opened his eyes were to assure his sister and mum that he was alive and well, just upset. They eventually left him alone. On Monday afternoon, Gemma yanks the covers off of his head. “Okay enough of this. Brush your teeth and come downstairs, there’s someone here and you smell. Just at least take care of the… Breath.” She says making a face.

Harry groans at her but she gives him a look that basically says “do as I say or you’re dead.” He does as she says. After brushing his teeth he stomps downstairs and sees his mum standing around the corner, “Uh… I didn’t want to let him in. I wasn’t-”

“What’s he doing here?” Harry cut her off. In the doorway there was a disheveled and distraught Louis.

“Harry.” Louis says, biting his lip.

Harry’s mum walks away, “I’ll leave you two, then.”

“What do you want?” Harry stepped forward and out the door, shutting it behind him and Louis.

“Honestly, I don’t even know anymore.” Louis shakes his head, “I can’t event think straight and I have no idea what’s going on with my life and-”

“Oh cry me a fucking river.” Harry rolls his eyes. Louis flinched, falling back on his feet. Harry decided right then that he was done being the smaller one here. “Don’t act all hurt. You don’t even know.”

Louis shakes his head, “I don’t even know? Oh, fuck you. If anyone knows it’s me. I’m an outed solo artist, do you understand the shit I get every day for that?”

Harry laughs angrily, “Yes, actually, I completely understand. Top three on x-factor gets you enough shit for it to drive you mad. You should know that first hand- ooh but wait? Your experience must have been fascinating! You and Robbie Williams, hand in hand, singing it up like best friends on stage. How fucking cute that must have been.”

Louis looks down, “Harry, I said I was sorry..”

“And you thought that would patch it all up? With two words that you didn’t even mean?” Louis opened his mouth to protest but Harry continued before he had the chance, “Tell me, Louis. What was the reason you couldn’t make it to the finale? What had you so caught up, that you couldn’t come an hour away and sing one quick little song?”

“I…” Louis bit his lip. Harry rolled his eyes waiting for Louis. “I was at the bar.”

Harry laughed again, “What a fucking surprise.”

Louis stepped towards Harry, “Harry I’m-”

“Leave.”

Louis looked up at him, “What?”

“I said leave. Now. Get out.”

“Harry, it was a mistake.”

Harry clenched his fists, “Leave before I do something I’ll regret forever. Leave right now.”

Louis pursed his lips, a tear forming in his eye as he turned and walked down to his car. Harry walked inside and slammed the door. Tears immediately swelled in his eyes as he ran up the stairs before he fell to the bathroom floor.

Harry did the only thing a typical angst-ridden teenage boys would do in this situation, he turned around and fell in to his mother’s arms. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t the typical angst-ridden teenage boys. Whatever. She rubbed his back and told him everything was okay none-the-less, and it wasn’t. “Mum, I don’t want him to go.” Harry whined, “I want him to come back in here and never leave.”

“I know, I know.” His mum pulled back, her hands on his ears, “It will happen. That will happen for you some day. You have to let this one go, if you think that’s what will hurt less.”

He shook his head, “It doesn’t hurt less though. It hurts a lot.”

She bit her lip, “I know, and it will for a bit. But you have to be able to forget and move on. You’ll know what to do, I promise.”

Harry loved his mum more than anyone. She had this wonderful way of speaking where nothing was forever. “Okay.” 

His mother continued to whisper how everything will be alright, but all he could concentrate on were Gemma’s words replaying in his head from years before. “The only way that the world can remain a balanced place is if all business is finished. You’ll just have to see him again.” Although, Harry couldn’t decide if he did want to see him again. 

“Come eat some dinner with your sister and I, yeh?” 

He nodded and followed his mum into the kitchen slowly, trying his hardest to breath, and trying his absolute hardest not to think ‘holy fucking shit Louis Tomlinson was just in my house.’

-

So, this is what his life has come to. 

“Harry STYLES?” A younger girl ran up to the counter he was standing behind, her hands waving and feet moving a million miles a minute.

“Hello!” He says politely. 

“Hi!” She squeals, “Oh my gosh, I love you SO much. I watched you on X-factor, and, OH MY GOD IS NIALL HERE? You guys are so cute, I ship you so hard!”

He laughs, “No, Niall lives in Ireland. I myself haven’t seen him in ages, actually.”

“Oh. Why are you working in a coffee shop? Shouldn’t you be touring the world or- or something? How was the X-factor tour?”

Oh, the X-factor tour. What a great time of his life. That was two years ago now, when he was 17ish. 18? Whatever. “It was good, did you get to see it?” 

She frowns, “No.. Too expensive. But if I did go, it was to see you, who I can NOT believe I’m standing in front of.” Harry stifles a laugh. “Well, can I have a picture with you or something? Please?”

“Sure.” He smiles when she pulls out her phone and takes a quick picture.

“Thank you so much! I’ve been saving money, do you think you’re going to go on tour anytime soon?”

He bites his lip, “I’m not too sure that’s going to happen, love, I’m sorry…” The girl frowns, “It’s just not the life for me right now.”

She nods, “It’s okay. As long as you’re happy.”

He smiles, for real this time, “Thank you. Have a great day, okay?”

“Thanks, Harry, you too.” She begins walking away.

“Hey, wait!” She turns around hopeful, “What’s your name, babe?”

“Hailey.” She smiles.

“Well, Hailey, it was nice meeting you.”

She smiles wide and walks out of the shop. He hates when girls come up to him, because he knows that he’ll only disappoint him.

Basically, the last few years, he feels as though everything has disappointed him and he has disappointed everyone. 

He went on the X-Factor tour, which was a blast. He missed graduation, had to take summer classes and graduate with the class behind him. His mum still cried, but he hated it. He didn’t know anyone and he had to sit through a 4 hour ceremony. It was terrible. After that, he started uni. He’s still in uni. All of that “uni is the time of your life” shit? False. The only thing he’s done in uni is get religiously wasted by himself, fail some classes, and study. 

There was one good thing that happened to him at uni, though. He met Liam. Liam was just a wonderful person. He was always there for Harry, always helped him study and all that good stuff. He wasn’t Niall… But he was Liam, and that was more than good enough. He told Niall about Liam and Niall said he would be jealous but he had found a Liam of his own, Zayn. They promised that they would get together sometime, all four of them. That was months ago, and they’ve done nothing. 

He’s been drifting from Niall, and that might be the worst sentence ever on the face of this planet.

It’s not like they were suddenly less close, it’s just one day Harry realized they hadn’t talked in two months. He called him that day and freaked out and Niall said he was thinking the same thing, and they promised to talk every week. They didn’t. 

Harry would text him every once in a while, to check in, but other than that and the occasional tweet? Nothing.

At least he had Liam. “Hey, Harry I’m going to bed, super tired.”

“Okay, night.” Harry said as he plopped on the couch. He had no idea what he was doing with himself, University sucked. He figured if he would enjoy any part of it, it would be getting wasted. He wasn’t wrong. That’s probably what he was going to do that night too, he decided. With that, the boy grabbed his keys and walked out the door.

He drove to a bar fifteen minutes from his dorm, hoping to not run into anyone he knows. 

The bar was dark, smoky and it reeked of alcohol and men. Nothing out of the ordinary. He walked up to the counter and ordered a drink as he sat in a stool and stared blankly ahead. Nothing seemed right anymore but nothing seemed particularly wrong. Harry was numb. he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t sad, just comfortably numb. being this way wasn’t something he minded, especially not while at Uni. It meant less distractions and more work-doing, which he needed all the time in the world for. Luckily, he had all the time in the world.

Coming to the bar was not an unusual thing. He did it many nights of the week, just sat there in a bar stool, staring, thinking. He had nothing else to do and there was nothing wrong with what he did. So he just did.

By the time he finished his third drink people were beginning to file out of the bar. His eyes were starting to weigh more when a voice pierced through his brain like a knife asking, “Which of these colorful drinks do you recommend I try?” 

Harry’s head shot to the right and all of the drink in his stomach almost resurfaced when he was faced with a gloom faced, head hung low, one and only Louis Tomlinson.

The only way that the world can remain a balanced place is if all business is finished.

“The Big Lipped Baby is a great pick.” The girl behind the bar said, batting her eyes.

Louis nodded slowly, “Sure, I’ll take one.” He said sliding a card across the counter. The boy’s eyes slowly turned to their left and Harry finally saw them fully when Louis’ face froze.

You’ll have to see him again

Harry looked into Louis Tomlinson’s eyes and thought, nothing is how you want it to be. You see people and before you know what’s happening, you begin to see them as something they’re not. You take just a normal human, someone the same as you are, and you twist and distort them into something ideal. Your version of them is like a carnival mirror. Then that mirror that you have of them becomes real in your head and the real person becomes non-existent. Then, when you see the real mirror and all of its scratches and cracks, you begin to dislike that mirror along with your distorted version. Soon every mirror that you have of that person is cracked and ruined and the person you once saw is once again not a person, but instead of being more than a person, they’re less than a person.

Louis Tomlinson was Harry’s biggest, most distorted mirror.

“Harry Styles?” The boy before him says quietly.

Harry blinks. He says nothing. Before he knows it he’s out of his seat and he’s leaving. He’s getting out of that building because it was suddenly a closet and he needed fresh air and space because everything seemed to be collapsing down upon him. He pushed through the doors and walked to the side and put his head on the wall and his hands on his face and finally he breathed. 

“Harry?” He hears the piercing voice from behind him.

“No.” He says. No he cannot talk right now. No he cannot be around Louis right now. No he cannot breath right now.

“Harry, please don’t run again. Please.” 

Harry looks up and into those lost eyes again, “What do you want me to do then? I don’t even know you. I know your name, and a few things about your career. Not you.”

Louis’ face scrunches up, “But- I know. I’m. What?”

Harry takes a step forward, “I don’t know who you are. I thought I did, but I didn’t. I wanted to believe that you were a perfect person. In my head, you were everything I wanted. When you turned out to be much less than that, I wasn’t as mad at you as I was at myself. I was wrapped up in this idealistic version of you that I couldn’t fathom the fact that you were a piece of shit, Louis Tomlinson. You sit and drink and expect things to be given to you and you don’t consider anyone’s feelings before your own and that’s not fair. I can’t handle someone like that and I sure as hell can’t handle you continuously popping up into my life and shitting all over it.”

Louis was crying now and Harry still couldn’t breathe. 

This was it. This was his rock bottom version of Louis and he was spitting it out on this person standing in front of him who he didn’t know but he hand to remember that he was just a person. A human being with real, strong feelings and he was crying right now because of him.

As much as Harry didn’t know Louis, he didn’t know himself. He took three steps forwards and wrapped his arms around the crying person. Louis gasped and stood still for a moment before he wrapped his arms around Harry and cried into his chest.

“Harry Styles, you shit head. Can you listen to me talk? Because every time this has happened all I’ve done is listen to you yell.” Harry took a step back. “Harry fucking Styles. Do you understand what you have done to me? I fucking- wait.” Louis turned around and walked away. What? “Follow me you dumb ass.” He said without turning to see if Harry was, in fact, following him. He was.

Louis walked him into a parking lot and sat in his car before leaning to the passenger door and pushing it open. Harry sat down and stared blankly at Louis. Louis reached passed him and pulled something out of the glove compartment. Wait- was that? No.

“Were was I? Oh yes. I fucking kept this stupid book. I kept it and read it over and over and over, thinking, wow how fucking stupid am I to screw this up because what a wonderful person this boy is. I would read this stupid thing and cry like a little girl because I hated myself for doing that to you. And I would read this page- this one page. This part that says, “And nothing in the world would be a better thing than to sit and breath with him, because even his breath holds everything I have ever wanted.” Just this one sentence would play in my head every night and I’d dream of you and I’d cry for you. But not even a million of my tears could change how I acted and how I ruined what could’ve been something great. And then I would think man- what if I could just see him again and get another chance? I would tell him how I wanted him and everything about him. But then I would get mad at myself because if I ever saw him again he wouldn’t deserve me or any of the shit that comes along. Because I suck. And he is golden. He is everything I want to be and more.” Neither Louis nor Harry have once broken eye contact.

“No, Louis, that’s what I’m saying. You’ve been building up this unrealistic idea of me that you feel like I am because of fantasies I wrote down when I was 13. I am nothing more than you and you are nothing more than me. We have to stop seeing each other the way we want to and start seeing each other the way we are. The only way we can really know who we are is if we learn through the other person, not through our own thoughts. And, Louis, there’s nothing I want more in this world right now than to know you through you, because no matter what I used to think, getting to know the real Louis Tomlinson is probably one of the best privileges in the world.”

Louis looked at him and licked his lip, “Can I have one of the best privileges in the world?” Harry raised an eyebrow. “Can I please kiss you, Harry Styles?”

Harry let out a breath that he seemed to be holding as he leant forward and met his lips with Louis’. It wasn’t everything he had imagined and it wasn’t perfect and ideal but it was wonderful. Louis slowly maneuvered his way from the driver’s seat into Harry’s lap. Harry couldn’t keep his hands still, they continued to feel Louis’ sides and his chest and his thighs and everything. Their mouths and bodies moved together and everything, for once in a very long time, felt right.

Louis’ hands slid beneath Harry’s shirt and started to pull it up. Their mouths broke apart while both of them pulled their shirts of the rest of the way. Harry looked at Louis while Louis bit his lip and a smile started to form on his face. They reconnected their mouths before Louis started to kiss down Harry’s chin, moving his lips down his neck and stopping before his collar bone, causing Harry to stifle a moan, which in turn, caused Louis to suck harder. As Louis’ mouth ad it’s way to Harry’s nipple, he reached down and pushed something under the chair that made it fall all the way back. He pulled back and shoved Harry down so he was lying flat and Louis was on top of him. 

Louis brought his mouth back to Harry’s skin and slowly kissed down to his waistline. He looked up at Harry before he unbuttoned Harry’s jeans and slid them off, along with his boxers. Louis placed both of his hands right above Harry’s thighs and slowly slid them down to the base of his cock. Harry inhaled sharply at the much desired contact. He was extremely hard and already dripping with precome. Louis wrapped his small fingers around Harry’s dick and stroked it slowly before he wrapped his lips around the tip of it, all while keeping eye contact with Harry. Harry moaned and bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowed and he gripped the seat. Louis slowly went down on Harry and did extravagant things with his tongue that made Harry whimper.

Just before Harry felt like he was at his climax Louis pulled off, which almost made Harry cry. Harry looked at Louis who had a twisted face and a hand on his jeans near his dick. “Oh, hold on, babe.” Harry said before climbing back on the seat to make room for Louis to join. Louis shimmied out of his pants and Harry beckoned for him to turn around. 

Harry put two fingers in his mouth before he slowly entered them into Louis. Louis’ hand immediately went for his dick but Harry batted it away wrapping his own around Louis. Louis moaned as Harry entered another finger into Louis. He curled them inside Louis which made him twitch and his breath become heavier. harry grinned and did it again, watching Louis writhe underneath him.

“Are you ready?” Harry said, pulling his fingers out of Louis and rubbing his back. Louis let out a sharp “hmm,” allowing Harry to line himself up. As he slowly pushed in, both him and Louis let out loud moans and Louis started to shake slightly. Harry started to grow in speed and he began pounding in and out of Louis, letting out shaky breaths and moans. 

Louis soon reached his climax, and watching the boy unfold beneath him cause Harry to reach his own. Once they finished, Harry lay back and Louis fell on top of him. “My ideal version of you couldn’t have been any better than that.” Louis said after a moment of silent breathing.

Harry let out a breathy laugh, “Not sure it gets any more ideal than that.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://louismcniceass.tumblr.com)


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